Friday, November 19, 2004

visions of sugarpoops

I don't know who's responsible, but I have a few ideas.

Someone keeps having the most horrendous, stupefying, nose-numbing shits in the employee bathroom. The list of suspects is long! We have a lot of poopers that have stomach churning movements every morning. However, the newest culprit is even more disgusting. They are spraying some cloying, cinnamon/holiday air freshener copiously after laying their morning coil. The weird thing is, it must be their personal stash of air "freshener"-- the bottle kindly provided by the janitorial service is one that smells like decaying shrubbery soaked in bleach.

This new shitter is lacing their grotesque poops liberally, so that when you enter the bathroom, it smells like someone has studded a huge mound of poop with cloves and cinammon sticks. It's worse than you can imagine, since it hangs in the air for HOURS after the offense has taken place. You can't even open your mouth in there- unless you want to taste holiday-fresh poop.

Like I said, the suspect list is long-- but who is cruel enough to bring their own freshener to make the poop scent worse and linger longer? My most likely candidate is a brusque, crabby assed woman that is as coarse as they come. She throws her cigarette butts all over the front of our work (which makes conscientious smokers look bad, since it gets blamed on us), and insists on wearing Birkenstocks, to show off her bloated and distended feet, which are permanently purple with yellow toenails. Her toes look like misshapen plums. She is the newest employee and we never had this foul problem before, plus she bugs me, so therefore, I've decided she is the Poop-Scenter. I'm now using the public bathroom, because I'd rather smell pee and poop au natural.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like my library. Kind of. We've been having someone with very bad elimination habits. Boywater on the floor, poo splatter. Maybe it's one of those newfangled library trends, like ebooks. Get grotty @ your library!

Anonymous said...

Put up a new post. NOW! I can't look at that thing every time I check your blog.

-Ploni.