Wednesday, February 23, 2005

la republica dominicana

hello friends from bayahibe, dominican republic. it's absolutely stunning here, with ocean so turquoise it almost hurts to look at it. we're at an all inclusive resort, and i thought an ocean of alcohol would be fun, but i'm getting bored with it. imagine that rochelly! also, it's kind of being like trapped at a summer camp with a lot of surly, drunken french people in thongs. drunken french people that HATE americanos. and still wearing thongs. Ah, well. I have seen some of the most foul behaviour and activities possible! My brother and I are pretending to be sociologists studying the indolent rich bastards of the world. For example:

*the 13 year old child that has his own room. drunken most of the time, he hasn't seen his stepmother since they arrived 4 days ago.

*the "grind sandwich" of a bunch of 10 year olds on the dance floor. little not even tweenies that are drunk and grinding away to old puff daddy tunes.

*a creepy boy we call "Brazil" because he has only been spotted in his shirt that says "brazil" for the last week-- he's a 17 year old french boy that looks about 10, and he likes to wait until you're laying in a hammock and then roll under it looking sheepishly up at your privates.

*the enormous man from a quebec with a long, skinny braided TAIL (ugh) who burps and farts all the time. Gross! And he also serenades the place with "Oh Canada" every night.

*the tiny bulldog man that is bald and insists on wearing pounds of gold chains, CAPRI PANTS, and striped t-shirts, as well as a piratical handkerchief on his head. We call him Captain Scurvy.

*The weird guy with NO ANKLES, his calves disappear seamlessly into his shoes. We call him "Cankles"

*The idiot rich kid that hangs out with my youngest brother, who demanded within seconds of meeting me to know what the square footage of my "summer house" was. . . a stereotypical jaded youth that makes me ILL!

*i have never seen so many sunburned, oiled and enormous breasts in my life, both male and female.

*then there is captain "Ripaway", so named because he only wears thong bikinis that have clasps on either hip so he could rip them off a la chippendales. . .he's a total nightmare. overtanned trash.

*the embarrassing americans from kentucky that wear straw hats and chew on palm fronds.

*The rich bitch from NY that on the 1st day here, literally SNATCHED my bill out of my hand at the check out desk and started perusing it. When I took it back and said in my most icy tones, "Excuse me!" she said, "I want to see how this affects me". WHAT THE HELL? there's more to it than that but it gets uglier and the end result is that I say to her, "let me guess. . .you're from NY"

more later-- i promised my fam that i'd meet them in el teatro for the exciting song and dance number that promises to explain to me "The Evolution of Musica!" we can only hope.

1 comment:

Heide said...

Oh. My. God. Your fellow vacationers sound like total monster freaks. I'm heading to Jamaica in a few weeks to escape this goddamn neverending CT winter, and I hope to god we don't end up trapped in our resort with a bunch of wachadoos like you did! :)